


One day

by mkhhhx



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Gen, Grief/Mourning, Heavy Angst, Hospitals, M/M, Mention of blood, Past Character Death, Past Relationship(s), Terminal Illnesses
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-20
Updated: 2019-07-20
Packaged: 2020-07-09 06:40:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,667
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19883281
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mkhhhx/pseuds/mkhhhx
Summary: Then he sees it, the spot Kihyun is looking at, has probably been looking at for hours.Their last photo with Hoseok, with actual Hoseok.





	One day

**Author's Note:**

> Please pay attention to the tags.

It’s late, really late when they finally break the deafening silence. There aren’t any lights on, only candles, so many candles Minhyuk loses count when he enters and finds Kihyun at the piano, not playing, neither dozing off, just sitting there, maybe thinking of an old melody, one Hoseok would have liked.

It’s a strange day, it has always been. Minhyuk needs someone close to him and Kihyun needs his distance. They haven’t talked since they woke up, went to work and back, there really isn’t anything to say. And Minhyuk can feel it, this ugly knot in his stomach, around his lungs, like he’s drowning. He doesn’t need to ask, he knows Kihyun feels it too.

“One for him, one for you.” Minhyuk places the bouquet on the piano and Kihyun looks up to him and takes a deep breath.

“Thank you.” He says and Minhyuk knows Kihyun has been crying for hours, his eyes glazy, his cheeks the worst shade of red. Minhyuk knows he isn’t looking any better.

“Can I sit with you?” Minhyuk ask and Kihyun takes a moment too long to answer, his hands on his lap and his eyes staring straight ahead. When he does, it’s a simple nod and Minhyuk slowly, carefully to not make any more sound than necessary sits on the cushioned low seat next to him.

Then he sees it, the spot Kihyun is looking at, has probably been looking at for hours. Their last photo with Hoseok, with actual Hoseok.

There were more photos taken after that, many more, but Hoseok detested every single one. His hair slowly falling out, his frame getting smaller with every passing day and his eyes losing their fire. In a way, Minhyuk is thankful that Hoseok had started losing his memory after rounds and rounds of treatment. When everyone was realizing that the end was close, Hoseok had still a bit of hope in him, still asking when the school year would start because his students would miss him, still asking if his mum needed help at the café.

Minhyuk was there to see everything, Hoseok being admitted to the hospital the first time and promising he’d come out stronger. Hoseok leaving his final breath in his sleep, an overdose of tranquilizer running through his veins. And everything in between. Hoseok’s mother and father trying to talk to the doctors, Kihyun collapsing at the hospital corridors, Hoseok’s little brother curled at a chair in the corner of that white, ugly room, next to a cheap vase of flowers.

But that photo in the little navy blue frame shows another Hoseok. Another Kihyun and Minhyuk too. It’s summer, the background a blur of yellow fields and clear skies. They are all smiling, smiling so widely, Hoseok at the center, Minhyuk draped over his shoulders doing a peace sign and Kihyun embracing him from the other side, kissing Hoseok’s cheek.

They were on a road trip, two and a half weeks after Hoseok was first diagnosed. He must have been in pain back then, when they stopped at the beach and slept at cheap motels and ate at gas stations. Hoseok must have been in so much pain and he never said a word. The doctors kept saying his chances were good, so good it would be over quick and easily.

And Hoseok would still be teaching after the summer and Minhyuk would still visit the school after work with ice cream from the convenience store and they would both head home to find Kihyun sprawled on the couch, watching dramas.

Instead of everything the doctors had promised, after their road trip their world started shattering.

It was subtle first, so much that Minhyuk had almost convinced himself everything would be back to normal soon. Just Hoseok feeling too tired from time to time. Skipping his gym to sleep, eating a little less. But it should get better soon. And then Kihyun found him on his knees in the middle of the bedroom. He screamed and screamed and cried and Minhyuk has never been so scared in his life than the moment they found Hoseok vomiting blood.

“Do you think he’s somewhere watching us?” Kihyun asks, voice barely upon a whisper.

“I hope he is.” Minhyuk swallows down the lump in his throat. Kihyun was always a religious person, he prayed for Hoseok to get well, then he prayed for Hoseok to be at a resting place. Minhyuk didn’t believe in god, nor heaven or hell. But the thought of his loved one being somewhere, still being something instead of nothingness brought him peace at sleepless nights.

There is silence again. A silence that makes Minhyuk’s heart ache and he doesn’t try to stop the tears from rolling down his face. The candles, the countless candles Kihyun lit up are flickering, making the shadows dance around the room and Hoseok, with his smile frozen in time looks back at them from the framed photo.

“I miss him.” Kihyun mutters and he breaks down in sobs, “I miss him so much, every single day.”

Minhyuk turns his body to hug him, offer some consolation to both Kihyun and himself.

“You can talk about it, you know” he tells, “you can talk about him.”

He feels Kihyun going limp against him, holds him closer terrified he will collapse, like those nights at the hospital when Kihyun wouldn’t keep down anything but bitter coffee.

And after four years it’s the first time Kihyun talks, voice drowning in sobs and his hands gripping Minhyuk’s shirt, dampening it with tears.

He talks about the time he first met them, when Hoseok and Minhyuk were already together but he fit in so well. He talks about buying a house together and cooking and waking up for work and all the mundane things. He talks about feeling empty, feeling lonely, feeling like Hoseok is gonna appear at the corridor and smile at them at every moment. Because in Kihyun’s mind, Hoseok could never have died.

And Minhyuk knows what he means, he knows because he feels the same. He passes by the school and almost convinces himself to stay a little until the bell rings so he can see Hoseok playing with the kids at the yard. He falls asleep on the couch and in his mind, still, Hoseok will find and carry him to their room in the middle of the night. Because Hoseok was too good, he was too good for everyone. He was kind and he was strong and he was giving until his last moment. And from all the people in the world, Minhyuk knows that Hoseok was the last one who deserved to go.

“I loved him so much” Kihyun cries, “so much and yet I only remember him at the hospital, I remember him at the hospital Minhyuk…”

A pale body in the middle of a pale room with monitors beeping all around. Minhyuk and Kihyun and Hoseok’s parents would take turns. Reading to him, talking, feeding him, holding his hand. And the less Hoseok remembered, the more they were suffering.

“That person was not Hoseok” Minhyuk caresses the back of Kihyun’s head, “it was not our Hoseok.”

Kihyun places his head on Minhyuk’s chest and his ribcage is heaving, breathing as if all of his airways are clogged.

“Two days before he passed I was sitting by his bed” Kihyun says, his voice so much calmer than before, “I was sitting there talking to him and he was staring at me and then he asked me-“

Kihyun is sobbing again and Minhyuk is sobbing too, because he knows the rest of the story. He knows because he was at the door of the room when Kihyun stormed out leaving a confused Hoseok behind. A Hoseok who had smiled so warmly and lifted his eyes to look at Kihyun and he had asked “Are you a doctor, sir?”. And Kihyun had lost the last bits of hope.

And Hoseok losing himself hurt more than losing him. And then there was no time left and the doctors who were promising about a quick recovery were talking about a painless death. And painless, it was. Painless for Hoseok, because Minhyuk can still remember the pain. The pain of someone taking his heart out of his chest and tearing it to pieces. The pain of seeing Kihyun starving himself and crying, cuddling Hoseok’s favorite quilt. The pain of finding Hoseok’s mother at an empty, closed, café, staring at her son’s doodles on the blackboard above the counter. The pain of arranging Hoseok’s funeral with his father and his brother. For months, there wasn’t a painless moment.

“He loved you more than anyone, Kihyun.” Minhyuk kisses Kihyun’s forehead and stays there, close.

“He did.” Kihyun stops moving, curling next to Minhyuk’s body. They both know and they both knew. Kihyun loved Hoseok a little more, just like Minhyuk loved Kihyun a little more too. And that was okay when it was all good, when it was trips and laughter and dates and promises for the future. And when it wasn’t good, it was hurtful. It was hurtful for Kihyun to be seeing Hoseok withering, helpless between the doctors and nurses. And it was twice as bad for Minhyuk to be seeing Hoseok slowly dying and Kihyun’s spirits dying with him.

“Did you visit him?” Minhyuk asks, although he saw the single rose Kihyun must have left at the grave.

“Early in the morning” Kihyun hums, “his dad was there.”

“We should visit the café sometime.” Minhyuk rubs circles on Kihyun’s back and feels him smiling against his chest.

“Doodle on the blackboards.” Kihyun agrees and lifts his head and Minhyuk can see he is no longer crying.

“We can be sad today, Kihyun” Minhyuk presses a key on the piano, “but the rest of the year, we should be happy we met him.”

He presses a second key and Kihyun starts playing Hoseok’s favorite piece from there.


End file.
